


Breathe In, Breathe out

by cnozomi



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depressed Yuuri, Kissing, Loneliness, M/M, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Protective Victor, description of a panic/anxiety attack, don't read this if you have anxiety triggers, im so sorry, like i started to cry but its okay, sorta fluff at the end?, yuuri is my baby and i must protect him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 12:24:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9123484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cnozomi/pseuds/cnozomi
Summary: Yuuri was never one to talk to people about his feelings- or his anxiety for that matter. He always hid away in his bathroom when the attacks came, but this time he has a panic attack on the ice and Viktor must step up to take care of him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all so this story has details of a panic attack inflected on our precious cinnamon roll aka yuuri so please do not read this if you feel triggered by these events!! also this is an beta version so please do not mind the grammar mistakes 
> 
>  
> 
> if you like this story, follow me on Tumblr @blessedburial for updates on future stories and reposts of my favorite couple (and my will to live)

His panic attacks were never ones to pick the right timing. They came when he was just lying in bed, resting from a hard training day. They came right before he performed, although those were more acceptable. His insecurities spun around his head like a hurricane, never ceasing to pause and listen to the rational reasoning begging to be heard. On most days, he could push it down with just a simple gulp, his Adam’s apple rising ever so slightly to compensate for the dryness of his throat. On other days; however, he could only hold it in for so long until the irrational fears demanded to be felt. On those days, he could only run to the bathroom so quickly before collapsing onto the cool tile, retching up his last meal or in some cases, bile, into the awaiting toilet.

Viktor had never seen one of his panic attacks (at least not a full-blown one, thank God), and Yuuri was always careful to not break down in front of his coach- the coach who dropped everything for him just for some stupid YouTube video. Viktor couldn’t see how weak Yuuri actually was; he didn’t want to scare the Russian back to his previous life. And yet, he knew that sooner or later, Viktor would realize how messed up Yuuri was and would be on the next flight back to St. Petersburg pronto, leaving Yuuri behind to deal with his anxiety by himself. Now that he thought about it, Yuuri realized that no one in his family knew about his panic attacks, he had hid them so well throughout his life ever since they started when his classmates started making fun of his weight. Only when he flubbed up at last year’s GPF did his mother get a glimpse of his uncontrollable anxiety, but bless her heart, she was too all-over-the-place to connect the dots. His throat tightened a bit when a sudden pang of loneliness struck his heart despite the fact of a very warm, very comforting Viktor hugging Yuuri in his sleep, their legs tangled up underneath the sheets of Yuuri’s childhood bed.

 _No one really realizes it, do they? ___He thought, his eyes burning as tears welled up in his eyes. Desperate to get out of his suddenly cramped bedroom, he untangled himself from the thankfully fast-asleep man next to him. As soon as he was out of the bed, Viktor lazily reached forwards, his hand searching for the boy who was just there a moment ago. Yuuri’s heart leapt up into his throat, he couldn’t let Viktor wake up; he wouldn’t be able to explain what he was doing. Grabbing Makkachin, who was quite content with being splayed out on the end of the bed, he gently set him down next to Viktor. He felt the fist around his erratic heart lessen its grip when Viktor hummed a low note in his sleep, pulling the soft dog against his chest. Luckily, Makkachin gave no complaints with being pressed against his owner and drifted off to sleep once more. Yuuri quietly slipped on his black trainers, wincing at the soft squeak the door made when he opened it just wide enough to let his slim frame slip by.

Yuuri didn’t even check the time, his soft footfalls striking the pavement, the only time and rhythm keeper he needed. _One, two, one, two,_ he thought, commanding his mind to stay focused on the road in front of him. His feet ran for him, he didn’t even have to think about where he was headed, or which road to take to get there. Soon, the ice rink appeared in his peripheral vision and he pushed his feet harder off the ground, his happy place so close.

A while ago, Yuuko had given Yuuri a key to the place, trusting him to be able to use it at his own free will. She was the closest person to figuring out what really went on his head but instead of confronting him about it, she just handed him a key and called it a day. Yuuri would never be able to express how much of a savior she was when he felt the heavy weight of cool metal being pressed into his palm and her comforting grin as she explained to him that he could use the place whenever he need to clear his mind. Instead, he just spluttered like the idiot he was, and nodded with his cheeks ablaze with embarrassment.

The soft sound of the lock meeting with the key was a comforting noise to Yuuri as he slipped past the doors and trudged into the main lobby. The smell of freshly cleaned skates and the slight tang of leather was better than any human therapy that he could go through. He walked straight past the front counter and stepped into the locker room, plopping down on the hard bench to lace his skates up. He enjoyed it; he loved being the only person on the ice- no, in the whole arena. He slipped off his glasses and rested them on the barrier near the gate. Pushing off, he started to skate lazily around the rink, his feet guiding him without his brain having to tell them otherwise.

*** 

Viktor pressed his face into the brown poodle’s fur, sighing contently in his sleep. His silver hair fell ever so slightly on the dreaming dog, tickling his nose until he woke up with a sudden sneeze, waking his sleeping owner besides him. “Makkachin?” Viktor whispered; his sleepy voice laced with confusion when he realized who was no longer besides him. “Where’s Yuuri, Makkachin? Where is the silly boy?” He ignored the gnawing of nervousness growing in his stomach; he had noticed that Yuuri had been more flighty recently, escaping into his head more and more. He had brushed it off as just nerves for the upcoming Grand Prix Final, but maybe there was more on his student’s plate than just that. He winced, thinking back to the past couple of days and realizing how many times Viktor had hinted at winning a gold medal if Yuuri wanted to continue on the relationship. _Maybe that wasn’t the best option,_ Viktor thought as he twisted his body back to catch a glimpse of the clock. He groaned- 3:28 in the morning was too earlier for anyone to be up. He stumbled out of the bed, almost tripping on the sheets wrapped around his feet. He slipped on his sneakers and grabbed his coat flung half-hazardously on Yuuri’s chair. He turned around to call Makkachin to follow but chuckled when he found the old dog curled into a tight ball, nose pressed deep into Yuuri’s pillow. Makkachin had taken a deep liking for Yuuri off the bat of meeting him, just like his owner.

As soon as Viktor slid the door to the restaurant shut, the playful smile that had been previously dancing on his face with thoughts of Yuuri quickly slid off when he glanced down the street. Sure, Hasetsu was a safe town, but with Viktor being here and with Yuuri quickly becoming a rising star, (if he wasn’t one already), someone could easily kidnap Yuuri without a trace left behind. He scrunched his eyebrows close together, even though he knew exactly where to find the skater, he would always have that unnatural sensation that something was off every time Yuuri was gone.

He rolled his shoulders back to relieve some of the tension, he knew he was being overly protective, but he couldn’t help but worry about the beautiful boy. Yuuri had waltzed into his life with a tie knotted around his head and a fire in his eyes, completely turning Viktor’s grey life into one with many colors, with his personal favorite becoming deep chocolate brown. He didn’t want to go back to the cold, distant life he had before. He didn’t want to revert back into his egotistical ways of carrying himself, only to fall down from the sheer weight of loneliness when no one was around. He wanted his Yuuri to stay with him forever, even if that meant he would no longer skate competitively again. However, he was completely fine with that, after all, why would he want to skate when his muse, his whole reason for skating, did not inspire him from the same ice?

*** 

What started off as a couple of steady laps around the rink with some small jumps thrown here or there quickly turned into aggressive twists and turns, ice being carved up by the blades, small ice chucks actually flying off the rink and hitting against the side of the barriers. The faster Yuuri raced around the ice, the more panic built up in his chest, and yet, all he wanted to do was to go faster. His insecurities and fears rushed at him all at once and his already blurry vision spun around him. He hated feeling weak, hated feeling not good enough, yet all he could do was bombard his mind with reasons why Viktor would be better off without him.

As he neared the corner, skating backwards, he switched to skating forwards, his right leg already tensing up for the jump. Throwing himself in the air by pushing his weight up and off his left skate, Yuuri spun, his momentum carrying his body farther and higher up in the air than the triple axel had planned to go. He couldn’t see a thing in the air, his eyes squeezed too tight to care. His heart raced in the seconds that he was in the air, even though it felt like hours, his panic overtaking his control. Hitting the ice with a dull thud, Yuuri’s sore body rolled away from his landing spot, leaving him pressed up against the ice in the middle of the rink. Spots danced in front of his eyes as the voices inside his head came back all at once, shouting at him for how stupid he was and how unworthy he was to be with Viktor, the world champion who was being held back by someone who couldn’t even place first in smaller events, like the Cup of China.

“I know, I know!” He screamed in agreement with the voices, clutching his head and curling around his body- no longer caring about the cold seeping into his stomach from the harsh ice below. Yuuri’s heart began to race, and with a struggled gasp, Yuuri realized he was going into a full-blown anxiety attack. He scrabbled for purchase on the slick ice, his breaking nails beginning to turn the ice red as they cracked under the pressure of his attack. He pushed his upper body up, suddenly unable to breath properly. His chest constricted with the pain and his whole body started to tremble, his reflection in the ice glaring back at him with pain-filled eyes. Giving up all hope and control, Yuuri flopped back down on the ice, his vision starting to swim around him once more.

“Yuuri!” He heard a panicked voice calling from over near the gate, but his glassy eyes could not find the effort to glance up to see who that familiar voice belonged to.

*** 

Carrying on a steady jog, Ice Castle Hasetsu soon loomed off in the distance and Viktor strained his eyes for any sign of light or movement inside the rink. He saw soft light through the windows, but unlike the other nights where he found himself, abashedly stalking his love, eyebrows knit in concern; he saw no movement or shadow of one. He spun on his heels and raced through the unlocked door. “Remind me to scold Yuuri for not locking this door,” he muttered to the empty lobby. Yuuko had also given Viktor a key when he had first arrived, but he never used it since Yuuri never seemed to lock the door when he practiced at ungodly hours.

Viktor raced into the rink, the bright light causing him to wince as it reflected off the gleaming ice. He looked around, trying to spot Yuuri but he didn’t need his eyes to tell him that something was wrong. He heard it. His head spun around to the center of the rink where a dry, hacking sound emitted from a shaking body on the ice. His eyes widened at the scene of Yuuri crying, his strong body looking minute against the harsh contrast of the ice spanning around him. And the ice, oh God, the ice was red from blood.

“Yuuri!” he cried out, his voice cracking at the last part of his name. Fear gripped his heart when Yuuri failed to even notice that someone was calling his name, too preoccupied with not being able to breathe. Waves of nausea hit Yuuri like a tsunami, causing him to dry heave, while all at the same time choking on the lack of oxygen. _Did he fall? What happened? ___Viktor raced onto the ice, not caring that he didn’t have any skates on. Tripping and falling ungracefully against his years of experience and success having to do with the one notion of not falling down on ice, Viktor threw himself down next to Yuuri and gathered his love of Viktor's life in his arms. “Hey, Yuuri, look at me, I need to you to look at me right now,” He gazed down at the rest of Yuuri’s body which was thankfully unhurt. He glanced back up to Yuuri’s beautiful, beautiful face to see Yuuri’s eyes widen when he finally realized who was holding him. “That’s right,” Viktor cooed, “I’m right here.”

“No,” Yuuri managed to strangle out, “Leave.” Yuuri tried to push Viktor away from the mess he had become, but he was far too weak and didn’t make any progress.

“Nonsense,” Viktor whispered, bringing the boy’s head up against his chest. “Listen to my heartbeat, Yuuri, breathe when I breathe.”

Yuuri’s heart raced even more when he realized how bad his situation had become. _This is it,_ he thought, _Viktor is going to think I’m a freak and leave me sprawled out against the ice. He’s going to return to Russia and win the world’s heart all over again and I’ll be left here with a broken heart and only my mind to comfort me._

With those new thoughts adding chaos to his mind, Yuuri began to hyperventilate harder, black spots beginning to cloud his vision.

“Yuuri!” Viktor grabbed his head and turned it towards him to stare into his eyes. Brown met ocean blue as Yuuri came face to face with the very same man he was panicking over.

“Leave… Don’t look… at… me….” he gasped, his mouth opening and closing like a fish.

“Not happening,” Viktor promised, his eyes a little too tight and strained for comforting Yuuri. He shot a small smile down at the skater below him and pulled him in closer against his strong chest. “Why would I ever want to not look at you?” he mumbled into Yuuri’s ear. “I’m right here.” Viktor gripped Yuuri harder, and started stroking his back with a steady hand. “I’m right here.”

Yuuri felt his body relax against his coach’s body, allowing his panic to melt away with Viktor’s steady heartbeat and comforting hand still stroking his back lazily. Soon, his heartbeat matched Viktor’s and his rapid breathing slowed down, all the while Viktor kept muttering, “I’m right here,”.

Once Viktor felt the attack leaving Yuuri’s system, he leaned back and stared down at the boy wrapped around his body, clinging to him- as if Viktor was his protector. His heart squeezed in his chest as he heard a soft whimper leaving Yuuri’s mouth as he wrapped his arms tighter around Viktor’s abdomen. Glancing down at Yuuri’s hands, he gasped at the blood dripping from Yuuri’s fingertips, but choked out an even bigger gasp when he noticed the one nail that was not freshly broken was just as jagged as the rest of them. “How long?” Viktor whispered, stroking Yuuri’s raven-black hair away from his sweaty face.

Yuuri’s eyes flew open, now noticing how hard he was clinging onto Viktor- it was nice, he had never been able to hold onto someone during his anxiety attacks, and his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Despite feeling so weak, Yuuri pushed away from Viktor, leaving him with his mouth wide open in surprise. “Go,” he commanded, hiding his face in his knees.

“I said,” Viktor spoke up, a rare fire in his voice, “How long have you had these attacks?”

Yuuri looked up and was met with a fierce gaze by his coach. His heart squeezed, but not out of the fear or the panic he was engulfed in a moment before, but out of something else. “I, um, well…” Yuuri glanced off at the ice, “Since I was little,” he mumbled before running his shaking hands throughout his hair.

Viktor closed his eyes and leaned back against his hands. “Does anyone else know?”

“No, well I don’t think so. My mom may have a clue, and maybe Yuuko too but other than that, no one.”

“What do you do?” Viktor’s voice was suddenly very hard and rough with emotions. Yuuri thought Viktor was pissed off at him until he looked up at Viktor and saw tears forming in his eyes.

“Huh? Viktor don’t be mad, okay, I’m fine, I was fine before you got here,” Yuuri slid closer to Viktor before raising his hand and placing it against Viktor’s cheek.

“Fine? Fine? You call heaving and not being able to breathe fine? Yuuri, what would have happened if I didn’t show up? Would it be fine then?”

Yuuri glanced up in shock, Viktor had never gotten mad at him, not even if he was late to practice, which unfortunately happened a lot. “I would have ridden it out like I always do. It’s really all about suffering until your body decides that it has had enough, then I would have been fine.”

“Yuuri!” Viktor was now shaking. “Suffering? Why have you never told anyone about this? You don’t have to go through this alone!”

“I- well I thought, no, I know that if I told someone, they would just think I’m a freak and laugh at me so I learned to control my anxieties until I can have an attack when no one can see me so they don’t have to laugh at what a freak show I am. I mean, I'm not surprised that you’re not running out of here with the next plane ticket back to Russia in your hand at this very minute! I’m a freak, and I can’t even control myself so why do you stay with me? Just leave and be happy!” Yuuri gripped his hair and felt tears fall from his face and hit the ice below him. The next couple of seconds were deafening, the silence threatening to crush Yuuri. Yuuri was sure that when he looked up, Viktor would be gone and already in the sky headed to his true happiness, not stuck grounded here with Yuuri. Nevertheless, Yuuri glanced up and was floored when he made eye contact with Viktor. His eyes held so much pain and sorrow for Yuuri, and another emotion that Yuuri was too naïve to place- but he could swear that it was love.

“Leave you?” Victor asked, “Why on earth would I leave you?”

“Be-because,” Yuuri was interrupted by a heavy body falling on top of his. Lying on the ice, Yuuri looked up and found himself very close to Viktor, whose body was pressed up against his.

“I would never ever leave you,” Viktor whispered and Yuuri could have sworn that he heard some pain behind his words. “You are the best thing to ever happen to me, so why would I want to leave that?”

“I-” Yuuri couldn’t get around the lump in his throat.

“Don’t worry,” Viktor promised, sincerity dripping from every word, “You will never have to go through something like this by yourself ever again.” He beamed down at the boy below him who squirmed with delight as Viktor’s words hit him with full effect. He would never be alone again; he would never fight for another breath as long as Viktor took one for him. His insides burst with happiness and he gazed up lovingly into Viktor’s eyes, enamored by the fact that the world’s most desirable bachelor had decided to fall for him, just a dime-a-dozen skater from Japan. All of his fears about Viktor leaving him faded into the back of his mind as he raised his hands up to Viktor’s face, but quickly pulling away when he saw the blood on his fingers. Viktor laughed, “Come on, моя любовь, as your coach I recommend you get some rest today before practice in the evening.”

Yuuri nodded, his eyes starting to sting with how tired he was, and glanced to the side before turning back around to face Viktor. “Viktor?” he asked, noticing how intently the man above him was staring at Yuuri, a feeling that left his cheeks on fire. “I need you to get up first, you know?”

“Oh right,” Viktor mumbled, before closing the gap between the two, his soft lips barely touching Yuuri’s before standing up.

“Vi-Vik-Viktor!” Yuuri felt his entire face flush with red as Viktor just laughed and hoisted his student up on his feet. Unsteady from the panic attack and- although he would never say it out loud, the heated moment that past between them before the kiss, Yuuri fell into Viktor with a surprised gasp. “Oh yes,” Viktor laughed, his eyes sparkling with mischief, “I like this much better than practice.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading this story!! I hope you enjoyed it! :)
> 
> feel free to leave kudos and comments, you guys have no idea how much it brightens my day!


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